oh goddess mother god

please don’t let there be spring

don’t make me wade through it

please skip me forward into a sunny summer day

bring me from my grey winter bed

this watery grave

where i am half frozen in grief

how could it get worse

isn’t it supposed to get better

with time, with time they say

but with time i miss you more

your sunny face

to dry my rainy eyes

it just doesn’t stop

when will it stop

slow this storm oh goddess mother god

this winter is more than i can bear

 

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winnower of bones

you didn’t come easy but you did come swift

and hard

stripped us down

with you up there leaving me down here

and when next we meet

our eyes will lock because our hearts will align

and i will convey to you what a nasty little trick you played on me down there

and we will chuckle

because our sense of humor was always wicked

and it was you who always loved to break expectations

and on this act, you surely did

break mine

and we could laugh about it now, now it was all over

both knowing it was a team effort

this trick so cruelly played on the living

partners in crime all along

unrevealed until death do we meet again.

 

a poem by aleia ruth, given to me on “hallows eve,” a tribute to Daniel…

The bass player
Supplying the steady reliable, hopefully spicy, rhythm
Always underlying
dependably there for others to play over, with…

The lady’s man, so often ‘the bass player!”, so many ladies!

“Nice girls”
A boatload, with rapid turnover
Is he capable of love, this one?

When he finally met his ‘one’ oh yes!
A different man showed up
All hers
The steady, reliable, unwavering pulse
Their love was palpable
Shining

Until the curtain was suddenly drawn
An abrupt end to this mystery play…

How could their paths diverge?

His from hers?

We all fell in love with her too, you know
And the ‘you’ that showed up because of her
You know, the one with the heart
that exploded into another realm
She thinks she’s alone now you know!
She can scarcely hear you
You’re so deep inside her
She can’t hear the forest for the trees
You left her quaking, shivering in the cold of your sudden disappearance
We all think we have forever
until we don’t

The abrupt lesson of treasuring every living moment, even the hard ones
Staying centered in the only true meaning in life
Love

Oh steady rhythm man
Help your wife, your one true love
Make the connection thru the veil
At this thinning time
Give her some of the peace you’ve found
Assurance that you survive
That she’ll survive, thrive again

Till death do you part?
Love is stronger than death
Death, a shadow puppet
(the gurus say is bliss)
Creative hands playing in the light.

search my pocket to double check

scrub the keys with my desperate fingers

afraid i’ve lost something important

like the anxious feeling of returning to the car

fearful the dog will mysteriously be gone

or the car won’t start

something gone wrong, i don’t want to face it

so instead, belongings take on a false importance, frantic if they’re out of my reach

what have i forgotten, where did i go wrong?
how could i let preciousness slip from my fingers?

the relief when my hand curves around the found cell phone or wallet

the key that fits easily into the lock

opens the door

welcomes me back to safety, of a home now silenced of your voice

an absence not lost on me

settling into the art of how to relinquish
in a world where we’re only taught how to acquire

trust i can’t lose

trust it’s not possible

to lose what’s really important.

 

let me dream of you tonight
since i can’t see you with my daytime eyes
let my night vision see the texture of your skin
let me stand in your presence
gaze upon your form

speak to me
as you would when you were here
look at me, let me see your green eyes twinkle

your form is withheld from me here
so let me soft-dive into dreamscape
where you can take form
reveal your image to me…
i’m ready to see you now

don’t make me wait any longer
let me dream of you tonight.

silhouette of a man
making his way up the hill

tall
with a hat
lanky legs

your mother used to call them stork legs
we would both fall out in laughter recalling that
and they were
like stork legs

open well in my heart, i fall down it
gazing at that figure across the field
pretending it is you i see walking

brim of your hat
your casual stride
my heart beats fast and god, how i want to wave at this man
how i want to believe it is you
and not a stranger mimicking your gait, the shadow of your hat

i jerk my head to the crow of a bird
shift my sight away from the man who i want to be you
as if we could have a reunion
there you have been all this time just walking along

newfound feather catches my eye
i bend down for a closer look
tears drip and melt into the sand
i pick up the feather and the man is gone.

just like you.

 

three months turned to six

then six to seven

now from 57 i am 58

and this is the time without you.

the minutes pile on top of another and time stretches itself into new realities
wanted or not

in all this time you are still the DJ to my playlist
the bird in my sky
the feather under my step

as the sun sets behind my back
beyond your warm body
the next day brings me
one day closer to you

it’s closing up the space between us
days are ticking off
the last time i beheld you further away
until the day i reach you, getting closer.

 

 

our love was tall and skinny
graceful but dynamic like aspen quaking

we could never hold the sound echoing from the friction of our leaves

bright hot fall colors
so loud against the blue sky

and i don’t dare question it now

i have to let that echo ripple off
let drop the dried leaf
into the world of the past

stand tall, shivering in my awakening

this is a tree that is not coming back

roots so deep and for so long that i thought they would hold us forever

but you were felled and all that was us fell too
crashed like an earthquake
thundered in a new terrible reality

graceful white tree
no longer tall against the sky
leaves me lost in a cleared forest

lost love crushed under the weight of cut branches
scattered leaves

it’s a terrible thing when grace is felled

but a beautiful thing to let go, when it’s time
and let it lie in peace
its quaking stilled

leaving only the echo of love
in the composting roots

i plunged into the shallow end

ran along until it got deeper

and the current began to pull me along

i looked upon the shore

and saw you there…

i called you in

but you were of the land and you ran alongside

spotting me from above

the water sailed me along

i went deeper down

again i called you in

from the shore getting steeper, the precipice much higher now

but you assured me you could see clearly from your landing

and you blessed me on my way

as i continued down.

and i allowed the space of you upon that shore

the distance between us

you on your way, your feet on the ground, your love of mother earth

and me in the water, flowing, deeper down

but then you surprised me

you sprinted

much farther ahead

and in you dove, so far ahead of me

beyond all human sight…

and now it will take a lifetime

for me

to catch up to you.

Photo by Sandy Page Taylor

 

 

she said brown

and strongly masculine

all encompassing nature

that was you

where you inhabit horizons skimming the edges beyond where i can see

in the blindness of grief i can only trust you are there
and here at the same time

i braille this fine line of believing yet not knowing

i falter, fall on the trail, shun the sage

the tears slide me down, stop me until i regain my vision to stay even with your eternal heart

where i can see the sage again

remember you strong

feel your sage eyes of love that show me how to see beyond the seen

and today i walk among the brown dirt, aspen, rock and sage and i see

yes, you are here

in this green, this love, this nature

for me, you always will be.

Photo by Sandy Page Taylor

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