who we hold in our hands
we enjoy
we feast together
we misunderstand
tussle with

you who were in the heart of my palm
i held
attended to
rebuffed
and tangled

you melted into my dream and colored my days
so vivid
so outrageous
so hard and so real
your light i still hold in the eyes of my heart

the deepest place to feel you only lost from my physical sense
but forever precious
in this awakened dream of striking life

your light and the light of our beloveds
is held in the eyes of the heart
the deepest place to see from

our beloveds only lost
from material touch
but forever precious
in this fitful dream of sharp reality

marking forever
the fortunes in our hands

happy april 1. holding this april fools day as sacred
as i have done since 23 years ago when daniel and i were married on this day.

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the clerk’s too-bright smile
how can she know how to react?
i’m just as lost as she is

the 8.5 x 11 page signifies a bizarre reality
this circuit of name changing, beneficiary and bill figuring
repeating  the same mantra
to each customer service representative

and my heart goes out to them all, no matter how they react
for their day will come when they will mummy walk
this impossible thing
unless they get out early. lucky ones.

there will only be one fool this april 1
our anniversary
almost a year, i am counting

this fool much wiser
what you told me, i can now finally hear
how you have humbled me
how you have torn me awake

the rock you were for me
the face i memorized, imprinted on
lost or invisible …
turned into something i can’t grab onto

this hardest lesson ever
this brutal certificate
has opened my heart in such a way
that i love more, more than ever

and i love you more
more than ever

 

 

i’m not alone
on this bus
of sturdy seats, vacant smell, hollowed shell
which houses we few but significant passengers.

although i’m not the driver
i do have a window seat.

i peer out and drink in the joy
explosion of vitality, adventure and experience
just beyond the glass.

from inside this bus of busted hearts
we bump along together
sharing in this narrow cabin
so much heart, few words help pass the miles.

it’s different for each passenger
but for me, i can slip the window down
inhale fragrant laughter
resonate with sweet singing, not far away
tear up, at what i gaze but cannot touch
from here in this seat.

on this extended road trip
the driver does not talk
he makes his stops, but it’s clear they are not for me.
another one rushes off, joins the sunshine…

i look longingly from my seat
at the lucky ones who step off
i see them playing in the Life.
newcomers step on
with backpacks of cracked, lost dreams weighing on their backs
i have my own pack to weigh me down
my legs sticking, to this vinyl seat.

we are here
to sit on this bus, until our stop is called
in the heavy emptiness of our packs for…
i don’t know how long.

for those with a window seat
at least for those of us who can see at all,
we can view the other side,
in this capsule of suspended reality.

i wonder when it could ever be my turn
when the driver pulls over
cranks open the bus door
meets my eager eyes in his rear view mirror
and nods me permission

to run away from the clutch of this window seat
step off this bus
onto a destination, apparently my destination
a place where it’s been so long since i’ve visited
it feels like new.

 

oh goddess mother god

please don’t let there be spring

don’t make me wade through it

please skip me forward into a sunny summer day

bring me from my grey winter bed

this watery grave

where i am half frozen in grief

how could it get worse

isn’t it supposed to get better?

with time, with time they say

but with time i miss you more

your sunny face

to dry my rainy eyes

it just doesn’t stop

when will it stop

slow this storm oh goddess mother god

this winter is more than i can bear

 

winnower of bones

you didn’t come easy but you did come swift

and hard

stripped us down

with you up there leaving me down here

and when next we meet

our eyes will lock because our hearts will align

and i will convey to you what a nasty little trick you played on me down there

and we will chuckle

because our sense of humor was always wicked

and it was you who always loved to break expectations

and on this act, you surely did

break mine

and we could laugh about it now, now it was all over

both knowing it was a team effort

this trick so cruelly played on the living

partners in crime all along

unrevealed until death do we meet again.

 

a poem by aleia ruth, given to me on “hallows eve,” a tribute to Daniel…

The bass player
Supplying the steady reliable, hopefully spicy, rhythm
Always underlying
dependably there for others to play over, with…

The lady’s man, so often ‘the bass player!”, so many ladies!

“Nice girls”
A boatload, with rapid turnover
Is he capable of love, this one?

When he finally met his ‘one’ oh yes!
A different man showed up
All hers
The steady, reliable, unwavering pulse
Their love was palpable
Shining

Until the curtain was suddenly drawn
An abrupt end to this mystery play…

How could their paths diverge?

His from hers?

We all fell in love with her too, you know
And the ‘you’ that showed up because of her
You know, the one with the heart
that exploded into another realm
She thinks she’s alone now you know!
She can scarcely hear you
You’re so deep inside her
She can’t hear the forest for the trees
You left her quaking, shivering in the cold of your sudden disappearance
We all think we have forever
until we don’t

The abrupt lesson of treasuring every living moment, even the hard ones
Staying centered in the only true meaning in life
Love

Oh steady rhythm man
Help your wife, your one true love
Make the connection thru the veil
At this thinning time
Give her some of the peace you’ve found
Assurance that you survive
That she’ll survive, thrive again

Till death do you part?
Love is stronger than death
Death, a shadow puppet
(the gurus say is bliss)
Creative hands playing in the light.

search my pocket to double check

scrub the keys with my desperate fingers

afraid i’ve lost something important

like the anxious feeling of returning to the car

fearful the dog will mysteriously be gone

or the car won’t start

something gone wrong, i don’t want to face it

so instead, belongings take on a false importance, frantic if they’re out of my reach

what have i forgotten, where did i go wrong?
how could i let preciousness slip from my fingers?

the relief when my hand curves around the found cell phone or wallet

the key that fits easily into the lock

opens the door

welcomes me back to safety, of a home now silent of your voice

an absence not lost on me

settling into the art of how to relinquish
in a world where we’re only taught how to acquire

trust i can’t lose

trust it’s not possible

to lose what’s really important.

 

let me dream of you tonight
since i can’t see you with my daytime eyes
let my night vision see the texture of your skin
let me stand in your presence
gaze upon your form

speak to me
as you would when you were here
look at me, let me see your green eyes twinkle

your form is withheld from me here
so let me soft-dive into dreamscape
where you can take form
reveal your image to me…
i’m ready to see you now

don’t make me wait any longer
let me dream of you tonight.

silhouette of a man
making his way up the hill

tall
with a hat
lanky legs

your mother used to call them stork legs
we would both fall out in laughter recalling that
and they were
like stork legs

open well in my heart, i fall down it
gazing at that figure across the field
pretending it is you i see walking

brim of your hat
your casual stride
my heart beats fast and god, how i want to wave at this man
how i want to believe it is you
and not a stranger mimicking your gait, the shadow of your hat

i jerk my head to the crow of a bird
shift my sight away from the man who i want to be you
as if we could have a reunion
there you have been all this time just walking along

newfound feather catches my eye
i bend down for a closer look
tears drip and melt into the sand
i pick up the feather and the man is gone.

just like you.

 

three months turned to six

then six to seven

now from 57 i am 58

and this is the time without you.

the minutes pile on top of another and time stretches itself into new realities
wanted or not

in all this time you are still the DJ to my playlist
the bird in my sky
the feather under my step

as the sun sets behind my back
beyond your warm body
the next day brings me
one day closer to you

it’s closing up the space between us
days are ticking off
the last time i beheld you further away
until the day i reach you, getting closer.

 

 

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