jesus fix

just 16 and bumping along in the Moving Truck
texas to california
big brother
my jesus
drives
just him and me
sitting tall in my seat
soaking in this precious stretch of time
so hungry for my big brother

his rambling man lifestyle
left me home and lonely with just me and dad
waiting, always waiting for the surprise appearance, the coveted phone call
but now i have him all to myself on this long trip
my savior, my brother with his wild stories, adventurous life
dad follows behind with the dog in the chevy impala
right now my life cannot get any better

but my brother, my jesus
he needs a fix
confidently steers the truck with his knees
ties off his arm
my brother
jesus, he needed a fix

twisted turn of expectations
tests my faith
sucks my innocence out of the cab
into the landscape of nothing
but the passing desert

mentor, my brother
melting milky heroin in a spoon
squeezing my life smaller
as i watch the needle bloody his arm

i keep look-out as best i can
try not to act shocked
show my savior i am cool
jesus, i can handle this

holy time
i tell my faithful self
as he presents the Offering
“want to lick the spoon?”

i turn the scene into a touching moment of a home movie
a bowl of cake batter
so natural to lick that spoon
but the flavor is not creamed butter and sugar
bitter opiate pins my pupils, foams my mouth

hot Arizona hotel has a cool bathroom floor
dad assumes i am car sick
for hours i heave on that floor
and contemplate
my savior

Turmoil, courtesy of Ray Ferrer
see more of Ray’s outstanding work at https://urbanwallart.see.me/