white out

 

when he’s gone…

the edges of the landscape

open and widen

 Room to Expand, Room to Repair

who am I without him, I get to ask myself

 and when he’s gone,

the quiet and the peace

the joy of having my space combined with
I miss him

emptying his pockets, my baby’s jeans

stretching their blue legs over the dog bed or dresser

I find his lozenges
a rubber band
receipts
endless receipts
and change…always loose change

when he’s away i organize, put things back

where they belong.
sift through our mingled lives

try to make sense. to make sense out of the disorder.

and the receipts
the endless receipts
where do I put them?

 I pile another slip of paper on the snowdrift of his desk

Sifting and shifting and folding the towels and touching his things

makes me miss him

cramming one more t-shirt into the too-full drawer

too many shoes

too many shirts

too many details…the paper trail of our lives.

and the receipts, why so many receipts?

swirling around my karma

the miscellaneous dimes and quarters

uncashed checks

folded up contracts. unsigned.
undelivered.

his receipts piling up inside of him

heavy luggage won’t go away

drawers stuffed to the gills with old stuff…he can’t put one more thing in

the drawers, his psyche

 tidying up now that he’s away

but I can’t clean his drawers or make his receipts go away

only he can do that.

 making order on only one side out of half the chaos.

batten down the hatches

peace is here

Peace is Here in this Madness

in this Misunderstanding

In this Disconnection

in this play-acting, like I am This and you are That

 

can’t get inside…the receipts block my entry

i am blinded in the white-out

of slips and pages

unshredded

that no longer belong

just to him

 

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